Wanting to Feel
by glo1196
Summary: She is just starting out. Her mother's murder still consumes her day and night. She throws herself into her work, and him.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, ****so ****first ****of ****I ****am ****a ****Castle ****and ****Beckett ****shipper. ****No ****question ****about ****it ****I ****want ****them ****to ****make****out ****and ****do ****it ****already ****on ****the ****show. ****This ****particular ****story ****came ****about ****after ****watching ****Under ****the ****Gun ****and ****Live ****and ****Die ****in ****L.A. ****for ****the ****umpteenth ****time. ****I ****believe ****Kate ****and ****Royce ****did ****have ****a ****relationship ****that ****included ****sex, ****though ****I ****think ****Kate ****tried ****to ****guard ****her ****heart ****with ****little ****success. ****The****se chapters were ****written ****as ****it ****came ****to ****me. ****So ****there ****are ****time ****jumps ****back ****and ****forth, ****sorry. ****This ****is ****my ****explanation ****for ****why ****Royce****'****s ****betrayal ****hurt ****her ****so ****much. ****There ****are****a ****few ****chapters ****to ****this ****one, ****and ****I ****hope ****you ****enjoy ****it. ****Please ****let ****me ****know ****what ****you ****think.**

**Chapter 1**

They have been partners for the better part of six months. Today they have been all out since walking in the door of the precinct first thing this morning. She's now in the break room getting another cup of coffee, to give her some energy.

She had gone out after work last night and had not expected to be out as late as she was. This morning she was paying the price.

"Late night last night?" he asks as he nudges her shoulder with his.

"Well, you'd know, wouldn't you?" She said a small smile slipping past her lips. Relationships with anyone who worked in the precinct were definitely frowned upon by those in authority, so they had no label. They had an open relationship where neither of them demanded anything of the other, just like she wanted. The time she has with him is for escaping work and the darker corners of her mind, about reconnecting with Kate, the woman with wants and needs.

Royce walks to his desk and then to the elevators.

Kate has seen a few guys she met at the bars. She always has a selection to choose from as soon as she enters the room. He also dates, but having a younger sexually charged woman in your bed, really ruins everyone else for him. For appearances they were both seen with other people.

It is late and there were very few people still at the precinct. Second shift is out cruising and the first shift has already headed home or to the local cop bar. She decides to use the showers at the precinct for the unlimited hot water, a luxury her 4-story walk up doesn't always have.

She strips her uniform off her body and throws it into her locker. She pulls out her cherry bath soap, shampoo and conditioner. Sensing she was alone she didn't bother wrapping herself in a towel, and walks into the empty shower room.

She turns on the middle shower and hangs her towel on the hook. She places her toiletries on the floor of the shower. She steps under the hot stream letting the water wash away the aches, pains and dirt of the day.

She works the shampoo into her hair and thinks she hears the door of the locker room open. After a few seconds of no one walks in, and she decides that it was another door somewhere else. She closes her eyes and stands under the hot stream again to rinse the soap out of her hair.

She goes to reach for the shampoo bottle when pair of strong hands wraps themselves around her waist. She does not flinch knowing the feel of those hands against her skin and the scent of his cologne.

"What are you doing in here? This is the woman's shower, and where are your clothes" She can feel the bare legs and chest against her. Her voice betrays her as she turns to face him.

"Hey kid, you didn't think I would miss the opportunity to see you like this, did you?" He answers. "You do know that a woman like you should be careful wherever they are, because old men like me don't always have the best intentions."

"What if someone comes in here and catches us. It wouldn't look good for either of us." She says calmly.

"I put up the "This bathroom is closed for cleaning: sign." No one will be coming in here." He growls into her neck as he starts to nibble and kiss her pulse points. Her breath catches as his hands start to travel down her body.

His rough hands travel from her waist to her breasts. He moans when her nipples harden against his touch. "You cold kid?" he asks innocently.

She ignores him as her body responds to his fingers instantly. She runs her hands over his chest, playfully plucking a few white strands of hair on his chest, and then reaches down to wrap her fingers teasingly around him.

"Royce, please." She pleads. Other than throwing herself into her mothers murder the only thing that makes her feel alive is hard, fast sex. It was the only time she felt something, that she felt alive. She knew Royce cared about her, and she cared about him. She just wasn't getting to close, wasn't letting him or anyone else in.

"Kate, relax we can take our time." Royce tries to slow her down. She wants no part of going slow. She brings her lips to his and devours them. Her tongue demands entry to his mouth and they immediately duel for dominance. When she looks into his eyes she sees lust, respect and confidence.

He reaches down between her legs, and finds her wet and ready. "God, you feel good. Kid your body was made for this."

"I'll be sure to let my father know you think that." She says sarcastically. "I helped solved the Perry murder today and this is what you think I am made for?"

"Kid if you were in my position you might be thinking the same thing." She laughs at his comment, but suddenly his fingers find her clit and she is so damn close to going over the edge. Maybe it is his age, but he is the only man she has had that can bring her quickly over the edge, she craves his touch.

She body trembles against his, as he inserts first one then two fingers into her. His fingers work her into a frenzy, and her orgasm comes quick and fast. Kate arches her back and throws her head back at the sensations coursing through her body, as he pumps in and out of her. Her second orgasm rips through her body leaving her still desperate with need. She decides to take matters into her own hands.

Kate drops to her knees in front of him. He looks down into her eyes and she gives him a look that could melt an iceberg. He tangles his hands in her hair and thrusts his hips towards her. Kate grabs his length and gently starts to pump him. She sucks on the head and finally takes him completely in her mouth, and far down her throat. Her hands travel to his balls and she fondles them until he is moaning loudly.

After a few minutes he pulls her from her knees." Kate keep that up and the game will be over way too soon, kid"

She crawls up his body to his mouth, and kisses him passionately. "Is that the way a Rookie should treat her training officer?" she gives him a sly smile. "I don't want to disappoint my training officer."

"Stop that Kid, you know I think you are the best cop I have ever trained. This is not about that at all." Royce says a bit roughly. His fingers travel between her legs and slip into her again, causing her to gasp. She wants him badly; her body always wants him badly.

"You are so easy Royce. Now be a gentleman and fuck me before I change my mind." She shimmies her body against his and starts kissing his neck. She runs her nails down his back as she drives him crazy with her body.

"You are going to be the death of me kid." He groans. He walks her up against the wall of the shower and grabs her underneath her thighs. He hoists those long sexy legs up around his hips. She reaches down and places him at her entrance. With one rough push he buries himself deep inside her and she starts to grind frantically against him. Her hair is wild around her shoulder and on his face. He sucks on her nipples and nips at them. She yelps, but he knows that she likes it just a little rough.

"Oh God Royce….so good….faster…harder….fuck me." She holds the showerhead with one hand above her head to steady them. The other hand snakes between their bodies to her clit.

Kate is now frantic to find her release. Her heat in her body has built to the point where the only thing that matters is reaching that peak.

"Oh God Royce….Oh," she pants.

"Come for me kid." Royce moans into her neck. "So damn good. So tight, so wet."

Kate screams his name as she shatters. Royce extends her orgasm by continuing to pump into her and takes over playing with her clit until he comes deep inside of her grunting her name.

Kate snakes her arms around his neck, as her legs slide down his hips. He is supporting her body as she kisses his neck and nibbles on his ear.

"Hey kiddo, you haven't had enough? You trying to kill me." He chuckles as his hands inch again towards her breasts.

"How about you take me to dinner and later we can see how close to killing you I can come, old man." Kate whispers between kisses.

**For some reason my notes at the beginning and end are screwed up so I am trying this again. This was written to give some insight into what I think is Beckett's history. It will show why her walls were reinforced even after her mother's death. Beckett has no father to run to, a mother who is dead and Royce is there cares and isn't telling her to change. Please use the link before and tell me what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone,**

**This chapter takes a jump farther back in time to when Kate and Mike Royce first started working together. I know that some people are having a hard time with the age difference, or that it isn't Castle, but this story helps us understand some of the reasons Kate has the wall inside her. To many people she has opened up to, have either died, abandoned her or left. She is afraid to have that kind of hurt anymore. Anyway, please enjoy this for what it is, and let me know what you think by reviewing.**

Chapter 2

The beginning.

Your training officer is your first real partner. The person who teaches you everything that they don't teach you in the Academy, and the person who helps you ride out your first shooting. She remembers her first gunfight like it was yesterday. It was the first time she stared down the barrel of a gun. The first time that she had shot someone and the first time they slept together.

They had chased two gunmen down the through the waterfront. They had split up with Royce chasing his assailant into a warehouse. She had followed his friend through fishing wharf. Her assailant turned the corner and when she ran around the corner she was staring down the barrel of his glock.

"You don't want to do that she warns him. You don't want to add murder of a police officer to the list. You don't have a chance in hell of getting out. Put down the gun and no one gets hurt." She says in a firm and authoritative voice though inside she was scared as hell.

"I can't go to jail." He says in a shaky voice. "I won't go to jail." He turned around and started running again.

"Stop or I'll shoot!" She yells after him. In that instant he turns around and points the gun at her. She aims and shoots him in the shoulder before he is able to get a good shot. He drops to the ground screaming, the gun falls out of his hand and is a few feet away.

Kate picks up her walkie talkie and calls for an ambulance. By the time the bus has arrived and is getting ready to leave he has caught up and is standing behind her.

"You ok, kid?" he asks her and puts a hand on her shoulder. Royce knew that your first shoot out was always hard for rookies, especially if they had shot someone.

She is holding it together, but she has put her hands in her jacket pockets to stop them from shaking. Her eyes are wide and he can tell she has her jaw clenched tight. He turns her around and walks back to their cruiser together. At the precinct he is there to help her fill out her paper work. As they are leaving he asks her if she wants some company, and offers dinner and drinks. She shakes her head yes, and he places his hand on her lower back and leads her to a taxi.

At dinner he had tries to coax the story of what happened out of her after a couple of stiff drinks. She finally relents and tells him everything. The fear in the gunman's eyes and the feeling that overcame her when she knew this was not going to end without a gunshot. Her hands tremble and he takes them in his. Tells her it is ok, that she did the right thing.

He tells her that everyone goes through it and that it will get easier, but it will never be ok. He tells her that they are there for the victims and their families, and to make sure that those responsible will never be able to do it again.

The company, the food and the alcohol helps her feel better. They talk for a while longer and then he offers to take her home. He walks her to the door and she turns and looks at him.

"Ok kid, you sure you'll be ok?" he asks her as he reaches for her and draws her into a hug.

"I'm fine," and she starts to put the key in the lock. She can't get the key in the lock as her hand shakes again. He holds her hand and helps her unlock the door. Opening the door for her, he lets her step through the doorway.

Kate turns and looks at him. She gives him a small smile and he starts to turn away.

"Royce? Mike? Please stay?" her voice sounds so needy, so desperate that she hates herself for it. "I just don't want to be alone right now, please?"

"Sure kid, no problem. Do you have anything to drink; we can turn on the TV and relax until you feel better. Go get out of your uniform, and into something comfortable and we'll catch a game or something." He gets up and rifles through her kitchen. Finds two glasses, but only a bottle of cheap wine and a bottle of scotch. It was a scotch sort of day.

He poured about two fingers worth of scotch into each glass and takes it to the coffee table with the bottle. He throws himself on the coach and turns on the Yankee game. It was the bottom of the 5th inning and they are beating the Red Sox.

"Come on out Kate. I have the Yankees game on and we are beating the Sox," he yells into the bedroom at her. Kate comes out of the bedroom dressed in an over sized Yankees t-shirt and a pair of yoga pants. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she has on no nonsense flats. She looked adorable.

She sits next to Royce on the sofa. He hands her the drink and she swigs it down like a shot. "Hey kid slow down you can't escape into this stuff."

She looks at him; her hand reaches up to the stubble on his face and runs it down to his neck. She lets her hand slide gently down his chest, and back up. His eyes follow her fingers.

"What are you doing, Kid?" he says his voice low and hoarse, betraying his arousal.

Kate stands up and suddenly straddles his hips, grinding herself against him. Her lips crash into his and demand entrance into his mouth.

"Hey kid, what's this about?" he manages to say between assaults.

"God, Royce if I have to tell you what we are doing then maybe you are an old man." She snickers, though neither of them laughs. She is deliciously grinding against his erection. Her lips are demanding and wet against his. Her hands are roaming over his chest. Her body currently slithers over him causing an obvious reaction. His mind loosing the battle over his body.

"Kid, I am your training officer, your friend, this….."

"Royce damn it, I need to feel something. Just shut up and Fuck me." She growls into his ear. She pulls his ear into her mouth and bites it.

She reaches down and pulls the t-shirt over her head revealing perky breasts with hard nipples waiting to be tasted.

His resistance is shot to hell as he wraps his arms around her supple body and draws her breast into his mouth. The moan she releases encourages and turns him on even more. Kate gets up on her knees and he pulls the thongs and leggings down to her knees. His fingers rake down her flat stomach to her hot wet core. He can smell her arousal; he can feel the heat emanating from her core. His fingers slide into her folds, she is hot, wet and so damn sexy over him.

She pulls away from him, stands up and removes the rest of her clothing. She stands in front of him, letting him get an eyeful. She kneels down in front of him and reaches for his belt.

"Kate." He hardly ever uses her name. She is "kid" to him. It was his way of keeping his distance. She was gorgeous and had a body to match he isn't blind. Every man on the force had noticed the sexy new rookie. He was 15 years her elder, and her supervisor, but in a matter of minutes that's all shot to hell.

She unbuttons and unzips his pants, then pulls them down and off his body. Her fingers rake up and down his thighs as she licks her lips then looks at him. She bends over and her warm, wet mouth envelops him fully. Her hair falls around her face and he can feel it against his legs as she moves up and down his erection. Her wet lips feel so good against him; he lets out a feral growl. His hands entangle themselves in her hair. Her fingers move down to his balls and caress them, his body shudders in response.

Suddenly his arms pull her up and pushing her back against the arms of the sofa. He throws her legs over his shoulder and feasts on her core. His tongue is licking her clit and she can feel the heat grow, he starts to suck the bundle of nerves and she bucks into his face.

"Oh God Royce…faster, that feels so fucking good. I am so close." She is gasping and moaning. He slips a finger than two into her and she bucks uncontrollably. Within seconds her orgasm hits her and she is screaming his name.

Royce climbs onto the couch and thrusts himself deep inside her. She stiffens and then relaxes around him. She grinds her hip up toward him.

She pulls him down onto her and growls into his ear. "Please Royce make me feel it. Make it hard and fast. Please, make me feel."

He pulls himself almost out of her then plunges deep into her forcefully causing a moan to escape her lips. He pulls back and does it again and again, and then as she starts to squirm, wanting to speed things up, he starts going faster. He buries himself to the hilt over and over, then faster and harder each time. Her nails rake across his back as her orgasm intensifies. He is driving himself wildly into her and she is meeting him thrust for thrust.

She shatters and takes him with her as her walls tighten around him. They collapse into each other panting. He captures her swollen lips once they catch their breath, with him still deep inside her.

A little later she gets up and throws the t-shirt over herself. Royce reaches over and gives her bottom a gentle slap. "I like you better without it on, Kate."

"I'm sure you do," as she throws him his boxers, hitting him in the face with them.

"You want to talk about this?" He says as he looks up at her. "You ok?"

"Look Royce, I needed you tonight. I care a bunch about you. You are my partner and here for me when I need you. I'm not a psycho who will now stalk you and cook your bunny. It is what it is." She says it as much for herself as for him.

She settles into her bed with him beside her. She feels the warmth of his body and enjoys the feels of his body against hers for the moment. She doesn't let that feeling sink into her bones or penetrate the walls of her heart. That would never happen again, no one will get close enough to hurt her that way. Nothing would ever affect her again like her mother's death.

Another brick gets added to the wall she builds to guard her frail heart. With one foot out the door you don't get hurt.

**Please check out my other stories by going to my profile. Would love to know what you think of them. Thanks for the reviews those who left some, and for the alerts. You guys are awesome!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the final chapter of this story. I know a lot of people don't like the premise of this story, but I think that Mike Royce is another brick in the wall that Beckett has built around her heart. It is something in her past that makes it hard for Castle to get in. We all know he will eventually, but Castle isn't the first lover she had and neither was Royce. She had a wild time after her mother's death. This was written to learn about her past and what helped make her who she is today. Damn I love her character. Wish I had the talent to have written her.**

**Disclaimer – None of them are mine, though they all would have a better sex life if they were ;)**

**Chapter 3**

Rumors had been spreading of the upcoming promotions to detectives. Kate hoped to see her name on the list when it was released. Today the precinct had been buzzing with names that could be on the list. She heard her name in passing more than once.

Royce and her go to dinner. She was looking forward to it all day. She was not seeing as much of him lately after work as she would have liked. Today it was going to be dinner and a movie back at her place, she was looking forward to after the movie antics even more. All day her body was abuzz with excitement and she needed him tonight.

They eat at a diner not far from her apartment. Their conversation light until the promotions are brought up.

"Royce do you think it is possible that they would even consider me?" she asks him as she slurps the last of her vanilla shake.

"You are young, kid. You certainly are good enough, it may be time to leave your old training officer behind." He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice and didn't look at her when he said it.

"Come on Royce, you didn't think I would be a beat cop forever did you? Besides that doesn't mean you and I can't stay friends. If they pick me and send me to another precinct that doesn't mean anything. New York City is big but not that big." She answers his and she shrugs her shoulder into his.

"Of course kid. I heard the list may come out tomorrow and then all this crazy waiting will be over." He looks up into her eyes and smiles. He is putting on a show for her. He knows where this is going and how it will end.

"Come on sad sack, it isn't the end of the world. I am not leaving you behind." She gives his leg a squeeze under the table.

He changes the conversation and they talk about the movie he has chosen to watch tonight with her. Soon they have finished eating and decide to walk back to her place. It is a cool fall evening and they walk back side by side.

They watch one of the Oceans movies that they both enjoy, with her sitting between his legs. His hands travel over her breasts occasionally. When it is over she turns and kisses him.

"You've been very touchy today, Mike. What's up?" she asks him.

"What, I can't enjoy my girl?" he says as his hands tangle around her waist and draws her to his chest. He loves the feeling of her against him, and the smell of vanilla and lavender she uses for him.

"Come on, let's go to bed. " she offers him her hand and they walk into her bedroom together.

He savors every minute tonight. She tries desperately to quicken the pace, but he has no part of it. His fingers drink her in, as he slowly tries to memorize every inch of her. Not until she shatters in his arms numerous times does he finally take her with him over the edge. They lie sweaty and spent in each other's arms., his fingers memorizing every curve and dip as they skim over her body.

In the morning she wakes first. He stays in bed, letting her get ready and leave first. He kisses her like a drowning man takes his last breath desperate and needy, but she doesn't notice. Her mind is on the promotion list she hopes is coming out today. She looks over her shoulder as she turns to leave her room.

"Get up sleepy head." She shoots over her shoulder as she exits. "Meet you at the station?' Mike nods and smiles an affirmation to her.

He gets to the station an hour late. He isn't there when the list comes out and her name is on it. She is being promoted and going to the 12th precinct. She can't wait to see him and tell him.

When she tells him, he tries to hide his sadness as best he can, but she knows something is wrong. He says nothing and plans are made by everyone to hit one of the cop bars to celebrate those getting promoted.

All day he is quiet, but she says nothing figuring he will talk when he wants to. His eyes linger on her, when she is not looking. He begs off about two hours early and tells her he will see her later at the bar. He takes a hold of her hand and gives her a quick squeeze.

"Hey kid," he looks at "I am proud of you. You're the best I have trained. You make sure those boys at the 12th treat you right."

He turns and walks quickly towards the Captains office. A few minutes later he walks out and never looks at her as he leaves the station. The feeling at the pit of her stomach has her wanting to run into the Captain's office and demanding to know what has happened, but she knows that she can't do that.

Two and a half hours later she is at the bar with her fellow officers. Everyone is buying rounds and time gets away from her. He never shows and another brick added to her wall patches the hurt in her heart.

She smirks thinking of the song from the early 80's by Pink Floyd. Only her wall surrounds her heart and gets stronger with each painful memory.

She gives up waiting, knowing that he wasn't going to show now. She hopes he is waiting for her at her apartment, but as she opens the door to her apartment, darkness greets her and she knows that she can't ignore the pain in her heart any longer.

She notices right away when she turns on the light that things are different. There are no signs of him at her apartment. It has been wiped clean of any trace of him, like a crime scene. The newspaper on the table, his slippers, his dirty towel on the floor. He has erased himself from her apartment, her life.

She spots the letter on her table as she walks to the bedroom. She picks it up and starts to read.

Dear Kate,

Let me start by saying how proud I am of your promotion. I knew it was coming. If they had passed over you, they would have been fools. The 12th will be a better place with you in it.

Kate, you are ready to shine. You are the best that I have trained. You have outgrown me and I will never do better than you. My time here is done. You are young, and need to start living your life. You do not need an old man by your side. You need someone full of life and your equal. I know you will find him.

Kid, you mean the world to me. You were never a fling, but you were never meant to be mine. You are cut out for so much better. I submitted my papers and I have retired from the force. As you read this I am on a plane to California. Not sure what is there for me, but I need to have all that space between us to stay away from you.

Open your heart Kate and you will find so much happiness. Don't let your past stop you from living a full and happy life. Never look back and wish "if only."

I am sorry for taking the coward's way out. I could never have said goodbye to you.

Love,

M. Royce

PS. Don't try to find me; nothing good can come of it.

She folds the letter and holds it to her chest; tears slowly trail down her cheeks. She lets them fall until there are no more to shed, until she's empty. She sits down on her sofa and calms herself. She is not surprised, not really. She knew he would leave. No one ever stays; he's not the first and won't be the last.

Royce is the first person she has let in after her mother's death. It has been a mistake; she let her guard down. It will never happen again. She's never going to let anyone get close enough for her heart to break. It has broken enough for two lifetimes. People she loves, leave her, abandon her and never say goodbye. It will never happen again. The walls are up, taller stronger, mightier. She will be a force to be reckoned with. She will not let her heart get involved.

Tomorrow she reports to the 12th. No one there knows her. It is a fresh start she will not make the same mistakes twice.

She takes the folded letter and puts it at the bottom of her jewelry box. She needs to escape, to not think. She looks up and there are his books. She walks over and pulls out "Flowers for your Grave" and throws herself on her bed. She opens the book and starts reading.

**Thank****you****all****for****reading****and****reviewing****without****you****guys****none****of****these****stories****by****me****would****be****written.****People****opinions****and****review****keep****me****enthusiastic****about****writing.****Something****I****have****always****hated****to****do.****I****envy****people****who****can****write****well****and****build****a****story****you****can****see****in****your****mind****as****you****read.****Please,****take****a****gander****at****my****other****9****stories****by****checking****out****my****profile.****Thanks****again,****and****hope****tomorrow****'****s****episode****is****what****everyone****wants.****I****love****Halloween**!


	4. Chapter 4

Hello Readers,

I am extremely happy to announce that this story has been nominated in the Castle Fanfiction Awards. I am in awe and am so thrilled to have just been nominated. There are so very many excellent writers nominated that I look up to, that just being there is awesome. If you liked this story or my other one nominated "Cops and Robbers: the Rest of the Story" please vote for it. Please vote here /?p=605

Under Episode Based you will find Cops and Robbers: the Rest of the story. At the bottom under Character Fics you will find "Waiting to Feel" you have to press the continue button 5 times until you get to the "Other Character" category and click the top button.

Thank you for reading my fanfictions. I will be writing again soon after things settle down here in the real world.

Thank you again!

glo


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